Where Stories Find a Home
Where Stories Find a Home
When my son turned 13, I noticed changes that went beyond typical teenage moodiness. His behavior became concerning, constant lying, emotional outbursts, and manipulating situations to get his way. As a parent, I felt lost and confused.
Teenage years are challenging for both teens and parents. While mood swings and boundary-testing are normal parts of adolescent development, certain behaviors cross into harmful territory. I learned this distinction through painful experience.
In this post, I’ll share what I’ve learned about identifying truly problematic teenage behavior. These insights come from my own journey, conversations with other parents, and guidance from child psychologists.
By recognizing these warning signs early, you can address issues before they become ingrained patterns and help your teen develop healthier ways to cope with their emotions and interact with others.
In my years working with teenagers and raising my own, I’ve noticed certain patterns that indicate problematic behavior beyond normal teenage mood swings. Here are the warning signs I’ve encountered that might help you identify if your teen is showing toxic traits.
When my son turned 13, I noticed changes that went beyond typical teenage moodiness. His behavior became concerning, constant lying, emotional outbursts, and manipulating situations to get his way. As a parent, I felt lost and confused.
Teenage years are challenging for both teens and parents. While mood swings and boundary-testing are normal parts of adolescent development, certain behaviors cross into harmful territory. I learned this distinction through painful experience.
In this post, I’ll share what I’ve learned about identifying truly problematic teenage behavior. These insights come from my own journey, conversations with other parents, and guidance from child psychologists.
By recognizing these warning signs early, you can address issues before they become ingrained patterns and help your teen develop healthier ways to cope with their emotions and interact with others.
I noticed my nephew Jake gradually pulling away from family gatherings, declining invitations from friends, and spending most of his time alone in his room. At first, I thought this was just a phase, but it became clear that something deeper was happening.
When Jake didn’t attend his best friend’s birthday party—a friendship that had lasted since elementary school—his parents realized the isolation had reached a concerning level. Later, they discovered he’d been spending those hours alone playing video games and browsing social media.
While teenagers naturally seek independence, complete withdrawal from social interactions often signals emotional difficulties. In Jake’s case, conversations with a counselor revealed he was struggling with social anxiety and fear of judgment from peers.
Look for patterns where your teen consistently avoids social situations they previously enjoyed. Has their friend group suddenly disappeared? Do they make excuses to avoid family gatherings? These could be warning signs of underlying issues that need addressing.
My daughter Emma went through a period where she constantly put herself down. “I’m not smart enough,” “I look terrible,” and “Nobody likes me anyway” became part of her daily vocabulary. I noticed she also compared herself unfavorably to her peers.
When Emma received a B+ on her art project, she tore it up and threw it away. “This is garbage,” she said. “Melissa got an A, and her project was actually good. I can’t do anything right.” No amount of praise from me counter her negative self-perception.
Teens with healthy self-esteem can accept both success and failure as part of life. Those with toxic patterns often exhibit an all-or-nothing mentality where they’re either perfect or worthless. This mindset creates a foundation for other problematic behaviors as individuals seek validation or avoid situations where they might fail.
To help address this, I started pointing out specific strengths rather than giving general praise. Instead of “You’re so smart,” I’d say, “I noticed how you solved that problem using a creative approach.” This specificity made the positive feedback harder to dismiss.
I’ve seen many forms of manipulation in teenagers, including my son’s friend Tyler, who became quite skilled at playing people against each other to get what he wanted.
Tyler told one classmate he was doing most of the work while telling another he needed more help. He complained to the teacher that his group wasn’t contributing while telling group members the teacher had changed the requirements. This created confusion and conflict, directing attention away from his minimal contribution.
Manipulative teens create situations where others feel confused, guilty, or responsible for problems. They might:
When I noticed these patterns in my son’s friend, I encouraged my son to verify information directly and maintain clear communication with others in the group. Teaching teens to recognize manipulation helps them avoid becoming either perpetrators or victims of these behaviors.
There’s a fine line between expressing feelings and using emotions as weapons. My colleague’s son mastered emotional blackmail by threatening self-harm when faced with consequences for his actions.
When my colleague took away phone privileges after discovering inappropriate content, her son responded, “If you take my phone, I’ll have nothing to live for. You’ll be sorry when something happens to me.” This immediate escalation to implied self-harm left her feeling trapped.
Emotional blackmail works because it targets our deepest fears. For parents, the fear of harming our children’s mental health or safety is paralyzing. However, giving in to emotional blackmail only reinforces that these tactics work.
In this situation, I advised my colleague to respond calmly: “I hear you’re upset, and your feelings matter to me. Your safety matters most. If you’re feeling this way, we need to talk to someone who can help.” She then contacted a mental health professional to assess the situation properly, maintaining the consequences while addressing the emotional threat seriously.
I witnessed my friend’s daughter Maya, gradually convince him that conversations never happened or happened differently than he remembered. This subtle form of manipulation left him constantly doubting himself.
When Maya came home two hours past curfew, her father confronted her the next morning. She looked at him with genuine confusion and said, “Dad, we talked about this yesterday. You said I could stay out later because of Sarah’s party. Don’t you remember?” Though he had no memory of this conversation, her confidence made him question himself.
Gaslighting involves denying reality and making others doubt their perceptions. Teens who gaslight might say things like “That never happened,” “I never said that,” or “You’re remembering it wrong.” The goal is to shift blame and avoid accountability by creating an alternate reality.
I advised my friend to start keeping notes after important conversations with Maya and to trust his memory when something didn’t feel right. When confronted with evidence, Maya eventually admitted to this pattern and began working on more honest communication.
My son Ryan developed intense jealousy toward his younger brother’s achievements. What started as normal sibling rivalry evolved into something more concerning—resentment that poisoned their relationship and affected the whole family.
When Ryan’s brother won the soccer tournament MVP award, Ryan refused to attend the celebration dinner. At home, he “accidentally” knocked the trophy off the shelf, breaking it. When confronted, he said, “He gets everything anyway. No one ever notices what I do.”
Jealousy becomes toxic when teens:
To address this, I created opportunities for Ryan to shine in his own areas of strength while helping him understand that his worth wasn’t diminished by his brother’s success. We also practiced expressing genuine compliments to build his capacity for celebrating others.
My niece Olivia mastered the art of portraying herself as the victim in every situation, even when she was clearly at fault. This deflection technique protected her from facing consequences or taking responsibility.
After Olivia sent hurtful messages about a classmate in a group text, screenshots were shown to the school counselor. When called in to discuss this bullying behavior, she immediately broke down in tears: “Everyone’s always targeting me. They set me up to look bad because they’re jealous. Now my life is ruined because they’re trying to get me expelled.”
The victim’s stance shifts focus from the actual problem to how unfairly the teen feels treated. This prevents meaningful discussion of their behavior and its impact on others. It can become a habitual response that blocks personal growth.
I helped Olivia’s parents recognize this pattern by asking them to notice when responsibility mysteriously disappeared from conversations. They began calmly redirecting discussions back to the actual behavior: “I understand you feel targeted, but right now we need to discuss the messages you sent and how they affected your classmate.”
One of the most frightening behaviors I encountered was when my friend’s son began cutting himself. The discovery of hidden scars on his arms signaled serious emotional distress that required immediate professional intervention.
Despite the summer heat, Jason insisted on wearing long-sleeved shirts. His parents noticed him becoming increasingly withdrawn but didn’t connect the dots until his mother walked in on him changing and saw multiple thin cuts along his forearms. When confronted, Jason minimized it: “It’s not a big deal. Everyone does it.”
Self-harm behaviors like cutting, burning, or hitting oneself aren’t typically attention-seeking but rather attempts to:
This situation requires professional help. I supported my friend in finding a therapist specialized in adolescent mental health while ensuring Jason had immediate safety measures in place. Self-harm behaviors should never be ignored or dismissed as a phase.
While mood fluctuations are common in teenagers, I noticed my daughter’s friend Zoe exhibiting extreme shifts that went beyond typical teenage moodiness—laughing one minute and sobbing uncontrollably the next with no apparent trigger.
During a birthday celebration, Zoe was joyfully opening presents when a friend arrived late. Within seconds, her demeanor completely changed. She stormed out, slammed the bathroom door, and began crying hysterically. Twenty minutes later, she returned as if nothing had happened, leaving everyone confused and walking on eggshells.
Extreme mood swings that significantly impact daily functioning can indicate underlying issues like:
Zoe’s parents initially dismissed these shifts as “just teen drama” until I gently suggested that the intensity and frequency seemed beyond normal adolescent mood changes. A medical and psychological evaluation revealed she was struggling with an emerging mood disorder that, once treated, significantly improved her emotional stability.
Aggression in teenagers goes beyond typical arguments or door-slamming. It involves a pattern of hostile behavior that may be physical, verbal, or relational, causing harm to others or property.
Teens with aggressive tendencies often have difficulty controlling their impulses and may resort to intimidation or force to get their way. This behavior frequently stems from underlying issues like feelings of powerlessness, learned behavior from role models, or inability to express emotions appropriately.
I’ve seen this with my neighbor’s son, who began punching walls when frustrated. What started as occasional outbursts escalated to throwing objects during arguments and eventually shoving his younger sister when she wouldn’t give up the television remote. His parents initially excused it as “boys being boys” until I shared my concerns about the pattern I was noticing.
When addressing aggression, I found that identifying triggers and teaching alternative responses works better than simply punishing the behavior. My neighbor’s family benefited from family therapy that focused on communication skills and anger management techniques, leading to a significant decrease in aggressive incidents.
Emotional instability refers to difficulty regulating emotions, resulting in reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation. While teens naturally experience intense emotions, consistent instability disrupts daily functioning and relationships.
A teenager with emotional instability might experience overwhelming feelings that change rapidly and unexpectedly. Their emotional responses often seem excessive compared to what the situation calls for, making it difficult for them and others to predict or understand their reactions.
My son’s emotional instability became apparent during the college application season. When he received constructive feedback on his essay, he shut down completely, refusing to talk for days. Then, without warning, he was excessively cheerful and optimistic, staying up all night to rewrite it. The next morning, he deleted everything in despair, convinced his future was ruined.
I learned to approach these situations by acknowledging his feelings without reinforcing the extremity of his reactions: “I can see you’re disappointed about the feedback. That’s natural. Let’s take a break and come back to this tomorrow.” Providing structure and predictability helped stabilize his emotional landscape during this challenging time.
Suicidal thoughts or behaviors are perhaps the most alarming sign of a struggling teen and require immediate professional intervention. These thoughts can range from passive wishes to be dead to specific plans for self-harm.
Warning signs include talking about death, giving away possessions, saying goodbye, withdrawal from activities, or sudden calmness after a period of turmoil. Many teens exhibit these signs before attempting suicide, providing an opportunity for intervention.
This hit close to home when I discovered poetry my niece had written describing “final goodbyes” and “ending the pain.” Rather than dismissing it as teenage melodrama, I spoke with her directly: “I read your poem, and I’m concerned about what it suggests. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
Her immediate tears confirmed my fears. We contacted a crisis counselor that day, which began her journey toward recovery. I learned that directly asking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t plant the idea—instead, it opens the door for honest communication and getting help.
Some teenagers develop a concerning habit of creating conflict between friends or family members, often to gain control or attention. This manipulation tactic involves spreading rumors, sharing selective information, or deliberately misrepresenting situations.
This behavior damages trust between people and isolates individuals from their support networks. The teen who employs this tactic often positions themselves as the only reliable ally, strengthening their influence.
I noticed this pattern when my daughter explained why her previously close-knit friend group had fractured. One girl, Megan, had been telling different people contradictory “secrets” supposedly shared by others in the group. She’d tell one friend, “Emma said she only invited you because her mom made her,” while telling Emma, “Jade thinks your parties are boring.”
When the group finally compared notes, they realized Megan had manufactured most of these “confessions.” As a parent, I helped my daughter understand that healthy relationships don’t involve this kind of triangulation and encouraged direct communication when misunderstandings arise.
While anger is a normal emotion, frequent explosive outbursts that seem disproportionate to the trigger are cause for concern. These eruptions often signal poor emotional regulation and can become a habitual response to stress or frustration.
Teenage angry outbursts typically involve yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, or using threatening language. The intensity often catches others off guard and creates an environment of tension and walking on eggshells.
The day I witnessed my friend’s son throw his textbook across the room, overturn his desk, and scream obscenities because he couldn’t solve a math problem, I recognized this wasn’t normal teenage frustration.
After helping calm the situation, I gently suggested that the frequency and intensity of these outbursts might warrant professional support. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, he learned to recognize his escalating anger and implement calming techniques before reaching the explosion point.
I’ve found that addressing angry outbursts requires consistency and calm, responding to heightened emotion with steady composure rather than matching the intensity, which only fuels the fire.
Anxiety becomes problematic when it goes beyond normal worry and starts interfering with a teenager’s daily functioning. While some anxiety is natural, excessive fear and worry can lead to avoidance behaviors and limited life experiences.
Teens with significant anxiety may experience physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or trouble sleeping. They often catastrophize situations, expecting the worst possible outcomes, and may develop rituals or behaviors to manage their fears.
I noticed anxiety becoming an issue for my son when he began staying up until 3 AM studying for tests, even for subjects in which he excelled. His perfectionism turned into a paralyzing fear of failure. The morning of one exam, he became physically ill and begged to stay home, despite weeks of preparation.
Rather than excusing him from school, I helped him practice breathing techniques we’d learned from his counselor. We talked through his specific fears and created a realistic perspective on the consequences of imperfection. Over time, he developed healthier coping strategies for managing academic pressure without letting anxiety control his life.
When teenagers consistently misrepresent facts, even about small or insignificant matters, it indicates a concerning pattern. Chronic lying goes beyond occasional teenage deception and becomes a habitual way of interacting with others.
This behavior often starts small but can escalate to elaborate fabrications. Some teens lie to avoid consequences, while others do so to boost their image or gain attention. Regardless of motivation, persistent dishonesty damages trust and relationships.
A colleague’s daughter began weaving detailed stories about being scouted for a national sports team. She claimed to attend weekend training sessions, describing coaches and teammates in vivid detail. The truth emerged only when my colleague tried to schedule a family vacation around a supposed tournament.
When confronted, she revealed she’d been creating these stories to feel important among her high-achieving peers. This revelation led to important family conversations about authentic self-worth and the pressure she felt to compete with others.
The approach that worked wasn’t punishment but rather addressing the underlying needs that drove the deception—in this case, the need for recognition and validation.
While teenagers aren’t always articulate, persistent communication problems—like shutting down, speaking cryptically, or refusing to express needs—can signal deeper issues.
Teens who struggle with communication might respond with one-word answers, use highly emotional language that obscures their actual point, or expect others to read their minds. This creates frustration for everyone involved and prevents problem-solving.
Communication challenges became evident with my friend’s daughter, who would respond to questions about her day with “fine” or simply shrug. When asked about concerning behavior, she’d say “whatever” or “you wouldn’t understand anyway,” leaving her parents utterly confused about what was happening in her life.
I shared with my friend a technique that worked in my family—creating space for communication without direct pressure. Sometimes driving in the car, working on a project together, or simply sitting in the same room while doing separate activities made conversation feel less confrontational. Eventually, this side-by-side approach opened doors to dialogue that direct questioning had kept firmly shut.
Teenagers who habitually find fault with others—their appearance, achievements, ideas, or efforts—may be demonstrating toxic behavior patterns. This persistent negativity often masks their own insecurities and can damage the self-esteem of those around them.
This criticism might be directed at family members, peers, teachers, or even celebrities and strangers. The focus on others’ flaws diverts attention from their own perceived shortcomings and creates a false sense of superiority.
During a typical family dinner, I noticed how my nephew commented negatively on everything—from his sister’s new haircut to his father’s cooking to his mother’s work stories. Each remark carried a dismissive tone designed to diminish others’ experiences or accomplishments.
After dinner, I took a moment to speak with him privately, sharing an observation rather than an accusation: “I noticed you had something critical to say about everyone tonight. I’m wondering if something’s bothering you.” This opened a conversation about the pressure he felt at school and how putting others down temporarily made him feel better about his own struggles.
Different from specific criticism, pervasive negativity involves a consistently pessimistic outlook on life. Teens with this trait see problems rather than possibilities and focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.
This mindset goes beyond typical teenage cynicism to a worldview where nothing is ever good enough, efforts are pointless, and failure is inevitable. This attitude affects not only their own experiences but can drain energy from those around them.
I recognized this pattern during our family vacation when my daughter could only see the downsides of every experience. The hotel room was too small, the weather was too hot, the activities were boring, and the food was disgusting. No matter how much positivity others offered, it couldn’t shift her perspective.
Rather than dismissing her feelings or forcing positivity, I acknowledged her perspective while gently challenging it: “You mentioned the room is too small. What would make it better for you?” or “You’ve pointed out five things you didn’t like about today. Could you share one thing that was okay?”
This approach validated her feelings while gradually helping her develop a more balanced perspective. Over time, we worked on a gratitude practice that helped counterbalance her natural tendency toward negativity.
Controlling teenagers attempt to dictate how others should think, feel, or act. This behavior stems from an underlying need for power and security, but manifests as inappropriate boundary violations and restrictions on others’ autonomy.
These teens might monitor others’ whereabouts, demand constant contact, check phones or personal belongings without permission, or create rules about who friends and family members can interact with. They often justify this behavior as concern or protection.
I witnessed controlling behavior when my friend’s son insisted on knowing his girlfriend’s passwords to all social media accounts. He would check her messages multiple times daily and question any interactions with male classmates. If she didn’t respond to his texts immediately, he would call repeatedly, even during family dinners or late at night.
When my friend discovered this pattern, she helped her son understand how his behavior crossed the boundaries of a healthy relationship. Working with a family therapist, they explored the anxiety and insecurity driving his need for control, helping him develop healthier ways to manage these feelings without restricting others.
While similar to angry outbursts, explosive rage involves a complete loss of control that may include physical aggression, property destruction, or extremely threatening behavior, these episodes often occur with minimal provocation and seem to overtake the teenager entirely.
During these episodes, attempts to reason with the teen typically fail, and they may not remember or take responsibility for their actions afterward. This behavior creates a dangerous and frightening environment for everyone involved.
I’ll never forget visiting my cousin’s home when her son lost a video game and instantly transformed from calm to furious. He threw his controller through the TV screen, overturned furniture, and punched a hole in his bedroom door before storming out of the house. The entire episode lasted less than five minutes but left lasting damage.
This level of rage required professional intervention. Through assessment, they discovered he had intermittent explosive disorder, which responded well to a combination of medication and therapy focused on identifying triggers and developing interruption techniques for the rage cycle.
Empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of others—develops throughout childhood and adolescence. Teenagers with a concerning lack of empathy show persistent indifference to others’ suffering or may even derive satisfaction from it.
These teens might mock others’ distress, show callousness toward pain (human or animal), or express surprise when their hurtful actions upset others. This disconnection from others’ emotional experiences can lead to increasingly harmful behavior.
A clear example occurred during my volunteer work at a high school when a student fell during gym class, breaking her ankle. While most students showed concern, one boy laughed and recorded video of her crying in pain, later sharing it on social media with mocking comments.
When the school counselor spoke with him, he seemed genuinely confused about why his actions were inappropriate, saying, “It was just funny. I don’t get why everyone’s making such a big deal.” This fundamental disconnect from another’s suffering signaled a concerning empathy deficit.
The approach that helped involved structured activities designed to build empathy, such as volunteering with younger children, caring for animals at a shelter, and specific exercises to identify emotions in himself and others.
While related to chronic deception, this specific type of lying involves calculated falsehoods designed to avoid responsibility or manipulate situations. These lies are often elaborate and maintained even when confronted with evidence to the contrary.
Teenagers who engage in this behavior typically show little remorse when caught and quickly generate new lies to cover previous ones. They may blame others for “making” them lie or minimize the importance of honesty.
I experienced this with my daughter, who missed her curfew by several hours. When she finally came home, she claimed her friend’s car had broken down and they had no phone service. When I mentioned that I’d called her friend’s mother (who confirmed the girls had never arrived at their home), she immediately shifted to a story about going to a different friend’s house instead.
Even when presented with location data from her phone showing she was at a party she’d been specifically told not to attend, she continued creating increasingly implausible explanations. The lying itself became almost more concerning than the actual rule-breaking.
Addressing this required a clear message that honesty, even about mistakes, was valued more highly in our family than perfect behavior. We worked to create an environment where telling the truth, even about breaking rules, resulted in more respect and less severe consequences than maintaining lies.
Teenagers who consistently blame others, make excuses, or deny their role in problems demonstrate an unwillingness to take responsibility. This avoidance prevents learning from mistakes and developing maturity.
These teens may blame teachers for bad grades, claim others “made them” behave poorly, or attribute all their difficulties to circumstances beyond their control. They often use phrases like “It’s not my fault,” “You made me do it,” or “Everyone else was doing it.”
This pattern became clear with my son’s friend, who failed to complete his portion of a group science project. Rather than acknowledging his lack of effort, he blamed his group members for not reminding him, his teacher for not giving clear instructions, and his parents for scheduling a family event the weekend before.
When the group received a poor grade, he complained bitterly about the “unfairness” without recognizing his contribution to the outcome. His parents reinforced this pattern by arguing with the teacher rather than helping their son see his responsibility.
I’ve found that breaking this pattern requires consistency, not accepting excuses while offering guidance for how to handle similar situations differently in the future. Questions like “What part did you play in this situation?” and “What could you do differently next time?” help shift focus from blame to growth.
Understanding why teens develop these concerning behaviors is crucial for addressing them effectively. While each teenager is unique, several common factors contribute to the development of toxic behavioral patterns:
Family dynamics often play a significant role. Teens may model behaviors they’ve observed in other family members or develop manipulative tactics as survival mechanisms in unstable home environments. In some cases, overly permissive or inconsistent parenting fails to establish clear boundaries, while in others, excessively controlling parenting teaches teens that control equals love.
Mental health challenges frequently underlie toxic behaviors. Conditions like anxiety disorders, depression, borderline personality traits, or attention deficit disorders can manifest as problematic behaviors when undiagnosed or untreated. These conditions affect emotional regulation, impulse control, and social perception.
Social pressures and peer relationships substantially impact teenage behavior. Rejection, bullying, or the desire to fit in can drive teens to adopt manipulative or aggressive tactics as protection or status-seeking mechanisms. Digital media often amplifies these dynamics through constant comparison and performance pressure.
Raising teenagers isn’t easy. As I’ve navigated this challenging territory with my own children and supported friends through similar struggles, I’ve learned that recognizing these warning signs is just the first step in addressing concerning behavior.
Remember that many of these behaviors exist on a spectrum. Occasional moodiness or boundary-testing is normal, but when these patterns become persistent and interfere with daily functioning, it’s time to take action. Your teenager may not exhibit all these signs, but even a few from this list warrant attention.
If you’re seeing these behaviors in your teen, know that you’re not alone and help is available. Start with open, non-judgmental conversations. Seek support from school counselors, family therapists, or adolescent mental health professionals. Early intervention makes a significant difference in outcomes.
Most importantly, don’t blame yourself. Toxic behaviors develop for complex reasons, and with appropriate support, teenagers can learn healthier ways to manage emotions and relationships. With patience, consistency, and the right resources, positive change is possible.
What matters most is that you’re paying attention and seeking the help your family needs. Your teenager’s current behavior doesn’t define their future—with the right support, even the most challenging patterns can improve.
Aiko Tanaka, holding advanced degrees in Education and Psychology from Stanford University, brings substantial experience in teaching and parental advisory roles. Aiko offers reliable, expert guidance to support readers navigating educational challenges, parenting, and personal growth.